Complicated
by yanks2478
Summary: I'm not great at summaries...please give it a shot. It's sort of AU-ish because none of it really happened on the show. Josh/Donna focus
1. All good things

They were having drinks in Baltimore. It was far enough outside of DC for the both of them. The further they got outside the district, the less the chance of getting spotted by the Washington Press Corp, they rationalized.

"So," Josh sighed, taking a sip of his drink, "what did you find out on HR 218?"

Donna smiled and began spouting off the bill's sponsors and its pros and cons for The Administration. "I have about 30 note cards on my desk," she told him. "You'll have them first thing in the morning so that you're ready for your meeting."

"Thanks," he smirked. "This…this is nice, right?"

"What's nice?" she asked, picking at his fries.

"This…being here and not looking over our shoulders the whole time," he smirked. "It's….nice."

"Yeah," she agreed. "You know…we could go for a walk maybe, before we head back to DC. It's nice out…the Inner Harbor will be peaceful."

"Sure," he nodded. "When we're done here, okay?"

Donna smiled and nodded at him and they continued small talk about work and their friends. Josh fiddled with his blackberry and Donna let him complain about the tightness of his schedule. For the past six months this had been their lives.

It happened in California when they were there to campaign for Sam. There was drinking and there was exhaustion and in the middle of it all, there was kissing. Donna couldn't remember who initiated it but she remembered it happening. One minute they were all together in the hotel bar, and the next, she and Josh were kissing in his hotel room. And that was that. There wasn't much discussion about their relationship. Their work didn't suffer in the slightest. No one knew that they were together, so there were no problems for The Administration whatsoever. It was perfect. Now, they would get out of town when they could so they could act like a normal couple. Normally, they would spend a few hours together after work at each other's apartments. But once in a while, they would get out of the District and hold hands while having drinks or taking walks. Donna lived for those moments. She loved feeling like she was in a socially acceptable relationship. She just wished that Josh would relax. No matter how far away from DC they were, he would always be just a little bit on edge. If his phone rang he'd always step away from her and drop her hand, feeling like the person on the other end of the line could sense what they were doing or something. He was fine at the office but outside it, especially lately, he'd been extremely tense. Donna loved him, so she was willing to give him some slack. Sometimes, however, she hated how he could compartmentalize his life. One minute they could be together in every sense of the word and the next he could be on the phone with Toby talking about the best way to lobby the leadership about some policy initiative. It would be like she wasn't even in the room. It was Josh, though. It was part of what made him brilliant.

They finished their drinks and Josh's fries and Josh paid the bill and they set out for the Harbor. They walked along together, hand in hand talking about her roommate's cats and Margaret's theories on the fat content of the muffins from The Mess. Then, without warning, he dropped her hand and walked away from her quickly. Donna watched him, confused, as he began walking quickly in the opposite direction of where they had been heading. "Josh?" she asked, looking around to try to find out what might have spooked him. She didn't recognize anyone. There were some people taking pictures of the boats in the water or of their families, kids laughing with their friends, people walking by the water – but, no one that she knew. She stared confused after Josh and her hand went up to her mouth as she sighed in frustration. She tried to smile as she tucked her hair behind her ears and not look so pathetic, standing alone in the middle of the dock. She made her way over to a bench and sat down. She figured Josh would be back eventually.

Her eyes filled with tears about an hour later when he still hadn't shown up. "Bastard," she whispered and she wiped her eyes and stood up and headed for the street. She hailed a cab and made it back to their room. She began furiously throwing her clothes into her bag and cursing her stupidity. She only paused for a moment when she heard the door behind her.

"Hey," he whispered. "Where ya going?"

"Home, Josh," she said, not looking back at him. "I'm going home."

"We have the room till the morning," he said, crossing in front of her and sitting on the bed. He looked at her face and saw the tear tracks down her cheeks and the puffiness in her eyes. "Hey," he whispered, reaching out for her hand.

"You just left me out there," she said, still not meeting his eyes. "You dropped my hand and ran away from me…and you didn't come back. How could you do that?"

"I…I thought I saw Danny, out there by the water, I thought I saw Danny with a camera," he told her. "I…we couldn't take that chance, Donna, you know that. You agreed with that."

"I didn't see Danny, Josh," Donna said to him, looking at him square in the eye.

"I did," he said simply.

"Okay…you saw him. Whatever," Donna seethed. "And you're right. I agreed with you about keeping this thing between us quiet. But you know what I didn't agree to? I didn't agree to being made to feel unimportant. I didn't agree to being embarrassed in the middle of Baltimore."

He sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. "C'mon," he said. "Seriously? You know how I feel about you…but this," he said gesturing between them, "This can't be more important than my job, than the Presidency. It can't. This is what I've waited my whole life to do. I can't...I can't get distracted…with whatever this is," he said. "I can't let you and I…us… ruin The Administration."

"Is that what I am?" she asked, "A distraction?"

"That's not what I meant, Donna," he sighed. "I just…I don't know anymore," he laughed sadly. "These last few months," he sighed, "They've been great, Donna."

She smiled at him, wiping her eyes a little, "But?"

"But, I have a job to do," he told her. "Protecting the President is the most important part of my job. Us being an us could damage his reputation."

"Always the consummate politician," she laughed.

"That's not what I meant….damn this isn't coming out right," he slammed his hands against the bed as he pushed himself up in frustration. His face was flushed and his breathing became erratic as he stalked around the room.

Donna closed her eyes and got up and grabbed his hands and led him back to the bed. She smiled at him and moved her hands to his face and forced him to look at her. "Hey," she whispered as her hands strayed to his hair and smoothed it down a bit. His panic attacks had been less in recent months, but they still came and she still worried.

"Hey," he answered back, smiling at the calming effect her hands had on him. His breathing slowed down a bit.

She smiled at him and nodded her happiness as his breathing became more normal. "You're okay, Josh," she told him. "You're okay."

"Yeah, because you're here," he said, closing his eyes and moving his arms around her body and pulling her flush against him.

"I'm here, Josh," she confirmed, returning his embrace. "I'll always be here for you," she told him.

He pulled back and inhaled deeply, "But?" he asked.

She smiled sadly at his perceptiveness. "Tonight sucked, Josh," she told him. "You're too paranoid. Danny wasn't there tonight. You got spooked. When you get spooked you run and you don't think about the consequences."

"Consequences?" he asked. "Every day I think about the consequences."

She laughed at his mistake. "Wrong set of consequences. I meant the consequences of constantly putting me last."

"Donna…you know how I feel about you," he tried.

"No," she sighed, "I don't." She pulled away from him now and tucked her legs underneath of her body. "It's okay, though," she told him, "you don't have tell me now so get the panicked look off your face."

"You're so important to me," he told her.

"I know," she smiled at him and grabbed his hand. "I can put up with a lot, Josh. I'm a strong girl. I'm not…I'm not some stupid girl…"

"I never said you were," he interrupted her.

"Please," Donna sighed. "Let me finish, Josh, please…"

He sighed and looked at her, "Fine, go ahead."

"I can deal with you being horrible to me at work sometimes; I can handle keeping how happy I am with you a secret from everyone we care about; I can work 18 hour days without breaking a sweat," she smiled sadly at him. "I can handle you acting like a jackass most of the time; what I can't handle is you moving everything in your world ahead of me." She shrugged and wiped her eyes. "That's on me, I know that. I know how important your job is. I know how happy it makes you. I just thought…I just thought that you were happy with me. I thought…" she sniffed, "I thought we could be happy together…that I could help you be that great person that I know you're going to be. But I can't. You can't get out of your own way. You won't let yourself be happy with me."

"Donna," he sighed, "I am happy with you," he tried to explain. "I just…there's so much going on right now. When we're out of office…" he started.

"When President Bartlett is out of office, you'll move onto Sam," Donna sighed. "It's his dream…it's your dream. Your eyes light up talking about it. You throw yourself into your work, Josh."

"I can't tell you you're wrong," Josh sighed, "but so what? Is this news? I'm a workaholic!"

"You are," Donna nodded. "I know that. I know how you operate. But you know what? I know how calm you are when we spend the night together," she smiled at him, "you allow yourself to relax. One minute I feel like we're connecting…like we're 'Josh and Donna. Then the next minute, you're pretending I'm not even in the room. I can deal with being second fiddle when we're in a crowd of people at work – but not when we're by ourselves."

Josh looked at her and saw all of the sadness in her eyes and he shook his head. "Donna…"

"Joshua Lyman, I love you," she smiled bravely at him, "I do. I love you so much. But…you know what? I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?" he asked, hoarsely.

"This," she said firmly. "You and me…us. I can't," she shrugged.

"Donna…I'm sorry about tonight," he started.

"No," she shook her head. "You don't have to be. It's…not just tonight. I…I can't be this person anymore."

"You can't?" he asked.

"I can't; I'm sorry; I'm done," she nodded.

"What does that mean?" he asked.

"I don't know," she told him. Her hands framed his face. "Josh," she whispered almost desperately.

His hands pushed her hair back and his lips found hers. His kiss was hesitant at first and then got stronger as he felt her melt into him. After a few minutes, they both pulled away and their foreheads rested against each other.

"Don't be done, Donna. I'm not done. We're not done," he whispered to her as his eyes remained closed and his breathing slowed down.

"I am, Josh," she told him. She leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss against his lips and her hands removed his hands from her neck. "Stay here tonight," she told him.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Home," she told him with a firm nod. "I'm going home."

"I will see you at work on Monday?" he asked.

"I can't promise you that, Josh," Donna told him as she picked up her bag.

"I can't do this without you," he told her as tears threatened to fall down his face.

"Can't do what?" she asked as she opened the door.

Josh stared at her and didn't respond.

She smiled sadly and nodded. "Get some sleep, Josh," she told him as she walked into the hall and pulled the door shut behind her.


	2. Must come to an end

Monday morning came without much fanfare. Josh dragged himself into the office hoping for the best. He was hoping that by giving Donna the weekend to think she would reconsider and realize that the only way he worked was with her. He walked into the bullpen slowly and glanced at her desk. It was orderly, but now void of all of her personal effects. His backpack slipped a little bit off of his shoulder as he paused to notice how sad her desk looked now that it was empty. He took a deep breath and turned the door knob to get into his office. He dropped his bag on the floor and fell into his chair. He swiveled his chair toward his computer screen and grimaced when he saw the jumbo-sized, hot pink post-it note on his monitor. He pulled it off and read it out loud. "The files are in alpha-order. It should make things easier for you and the new staffer," he whispered as he read her scrawl.

His head fell onto his arms, which rested on his desk. "This is not happening," he muttered as his arms came in contact with an envelope. He opened it up and it simply read, "I'm sorry…I just can't." His head went back down again.

"Mr. Lyman?" he heard a woman's voice ask as his door opened.

"Yeah?" he asked, looking up. "Who are you?"

"Hi, Mr. Lyman," the woman said. "I'm Carly." Carly was short with dark hair. She looked scared a little bit and she was holding a cup of coffee. "I was assigned here by HR. The person who had this job before…she left me a note in the top drawer. It said to bring you this," she said offering him the coffee. "One cream and two sugars, right?" she asked as she placed it on his desk when he didn't move to take it from her.

Josh looked up at her and nodded, "Yeah." He smiled a bit. Donna never brought him coffee and yet she still knew how he liked it. She was great like that.

"Okay, Mr. Lyman," Carly said, smiling awkwardly, "you have senior staff in 5 minutes," she told him, glancing down at a schedule printout.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Thanks."

Carly walked out and Josh took a deep breath. "Why did she do this?" he wondered out loud. He scrubbed his hands quickly over his face, looked at the coffee and walked out of the office toward his meeting.

"Hey," Toby said when Josh walked into the room. "What's with the new girl at Donna's desk?"

"She's my new assistant," Josh answered, quietly. "Donna….she's not here anymore."

"Where did she go?" Toby asked. "What did you do?"

"I don't know," Josh sighed.

"Where's Donna?" CJ asked, coming into the room.

"Not here anymore," Toby answered with a slight smirk.

"Hey guys," Will said, entering the room. "Who's the new brunette?"

"Josh's new assistant, apparently," CJ answered, giving Josh a raised eyebrow.

"Oh…where's Donna?" Will asked.

"She's not here right now," Josh told everyone in the room. "Could we drop it, please?"

"What'd you do?" Will asked.

"Why would my doing anything factor into Donna being here or not being here?" he asked, feeling defensive.

"Because we all know you," Leo said, entering the room. "Hey everyone…I don't have all day, so can we get started please?"

"Please," Josh murmured.

"Okay," Leo sighed, as he began going over his notes with the staff.

"You okay?" CJ asked Josh as they walked out of the room.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Josh asked.

"Donna's just gone?" she tried again.

"Yeah…she is, CJ," Josh stated. "Can we not get into it? We have a lot of work to do and I'm not sure worrying about my ex-assistant is the most productive way to spend our day."

"Okay," CJ said, turning the corner and going in the opposite direction as Josh.

Josh stalked past Carly and shut the door of his office and began going through the briefing packets that Leo had given him.

"Mr. Lyman?" Carly asked, coming into his office. "I'm supposed to give these to you," she handed him Donna's note cards on the bill they had discussed over drinks on Friday night. "The woman who was here before…she was very efficient."

"Yes she was," Josh nodded in agreement.

"Oh, and Margaret called. She said that Mr. McGarry needed the first free 5 minutes you have."

"Okay," he dismissed her and drug out his cell phone as his door closed. He dialed her cell phone and sighed when it went straight to voicemail. He hung up and called her apartment. Her machine picked up there, too. "Donna," he whispered after the beep. "Please…please pick up. This girl…she brought me coffee," he laughed a little. "What the hell am I supposed to do with coffee this early in the morning?" he asked. "Please…just…call me or something. I…I need to know how you are. I miss you." He sighed heavily. "I have to go explain your absence to Leo now," he told her machine. "You were the hot topic at Senior Staff," he smiled. "Always the center of attention," he laughed. "Okay…" and with that he hung up.

He got up and found his way to Leo's office. "Is he in?" Josh asked Margaret as she paused from her typing to glance up at him.

"Yeah," she nodded, "he's waiting for you." Margaret stood up, though, before he got into Leo's doorway. "Can I just say something?" she asked. "You should say you're sorry to her," Margaret continued. "Donna…she really is reasonable. She'll understand if you were stressed out or something and did something stupid. From what I hear, you tend to fly off the handle at times, but you're a pretty decent person."

"Thank you, Margaret," Josh nodded. "I'll bear that in mind." He shook his head and walked into the Leo's office and smirked a bit. "She's a lot to handle isn't she?" he asked, nodding to Margaret as she pulled the door closed.

"I usually try not to listen to her," Leo told him. "It helps to get me through the day."

"Yeah," Josh nodded, and took a seat in front of Leo's desk. "You wanted to see me?" he asked.

"What happened with Donna, Josh?" Leo asked, directly. "Friday she was here. Friday she was happy. Yesterday, I heard she came in and reorganized your files and cleaned off her desk. You guys weren't here Saturday. So, I have to ask…what the hell happened with Donna?"

"I…I would rather not get into it, Leo," Josh told the older man. "She's not here and now I have Carly. Carly seems great. I'm sure we'll work well together."

"Swell," Leo shook his head. "Carly will last a few weeks until she realizes that you're a horrible boss and then we'll have you floundering with no direction. You look like you haven't slept all weekend. You're a mess, Josh. Please, son, tell me what happened. Whatever you did, I'm sure you can fix it."

"Why does everyone assume this is my fault?" Josh asked, raising his voice. "Why the hell isn't it her fault? I mean…she knew who I was. She knew how I acted before she got into all this. So really…it's her fault. Her fault for getting on the ride and wanting to get off before it was over," he rambled. His face was flushed and his breathing quickened.

"Josh," Leo said, calmly. "I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Leo," Josh said, too quickly. "I'm fine."

"Okay," Leo nodded. "I'm not convinced, but you're of age and I'm not a doctor," he told him. "I think you better talk to somebody – Stanley or CJ or Toby or something. You need to tell someone what's going on. I thought maybe you could talk to me about it…I thought we could do this. You're not willing it appears and I don't have the time to coddle you. You're a grown man – act like it. Pull yourself together and get back to work," Leo told him and got up and walked out. Josh sat there for a moment, a little stunned.

"You okay?" Margaret asked, coming in with a glass of water to offer him.

He took the drink and drank in quickly. "Thanks," he told her, "I'm fine." He pushed himself up and walked out of the room and down to Charlie's office.

Charlie was reading a briefing memo on the ambassadors who were coming in that afternoon for pictures with the President. "Hey Josh," he said as he saw him approach. "Is Donna okay?" he asked. "I saw her in here yesterday and she didn't look so good and she took all of her stuff off her desk."

"Yeah," Josh nodded. "You got a minute?" he asked.

"Sure," Charlie said, dropping the folder on his desk. "Wanna go to your office?" Charlie asked, as Josh sort of looked out of place.

"Yeah," Josh said, and turned on his heel and moved down the hall with Charlie right behind him. As the passed Carly's desk, Josh looked back at Charlie. "Hey…this is…uh…Carly," he told Charlie. "Carly, this is Charlie. He is special assistant to the President."

Carly smiled and nodded, "Nice to meet you," she said.

"You too," Charlie nodded back and followed Josh into his office and closed the door. "Now," Charlie said, "you wanna tell me why there is a girl named Carly sitting outside your office?"

"Donna…she…she is no longer here," Josh told him.

"Well, I have eyes," Charlie said, "I can see that much." Charlie took a deep breath and let it out…."Josh?" he asked. "What the hell happened?"

Josh closed his eyes and furiously began rubbing his temples. "California," Josh said. "This is because of freaking California. Freaking Sam."

"Sam?" Charlie asked. "How is Donna being gone Sam's fault?"

"He had that thing out there…we went to it, remember?" Josh asked.

"Yeah," Charlie sighed, "that was months ago."

"Donna and I…we had a lot to drink at the thing," Josh tried to explain. "Too much to drink," Josh smirked remembering Donna lecturing him on his delicate system while slurring her words. "Things…they kinda got out of hand," he said, looking at Charlie, hoping that he understood what he meant.

"You and Donna….well," Charlie smiled, "it's not like no one ever saw that one coming."

"Whatever," Josh sighed, "it happened and we let it."

"So, it wasn't a one-time thing?" Charlie asked.

"No," Josh shook his head. "With Donna," he sighed, "it couldn't be like that with her. "She's…you know how she is," Josh laughed. "Once it happened," he sighed with a sad smile, "it happened. It was our lives then. We were platonic one moment and together the next. There was no middle ground."

"So you guys have been together for the past six months?" Charlie asked, laughing. "How the hell did we not know that? I mean, Josh," he shook his head, "I'm impressed, man. I mean, you usually wear everything on your sleeve. You finally get with Donna and you keep it a secret? That's…that's amazing!" Charlie laughed for a moment until he realized that Josh looked like he was going to be sick. "What happened?" he asked quietly. "Josh, seriously…what happened?"

"I screwed it up," Josh said, shaking his head. "This is me here, so it was only a matter of time I guess," he shrugged. "This time though, I manage to lose the girl and the assistant – it was a two-for-one deal. And now? I don't know what the hell I'm going to do."

"Do you want her to come back?" Charlie asked.

"Do I want her back? I mean, yeah. I miss her. It's been just a couple of days…but damn I miss her. She has this shampoo," he smirked, "it smells like strawberries or something and it's the first thing I smell in the morning when I roll over and she's there. I didn't smell that this morning."

Charlie looked at Josh and felt horrible for him. He looked as mess. He looked broken. "Josh," Charlie said again, "what happened?"

"Friday night," Josh began, "we were out for drinks."

"Wait," Charlie chuckled a bit, "you guys with your clandestine relationship go out for drinks?"

"We don't do anything around here," Josh explained. "Friday we were in Baltimore; at the Inner Harbor. Donna…she liked going places sometimes and I…I didn't mind making her happy."

"Cool," Charlie nodded.

"So, as I was saying," Josh continued, "we were having drinks and then we went for a walk by the water. I…I saw Danny with a camera while we were out there and I bolted."

"You just left her there alone? Are you even sure it was Danny? What the hell would be doing in Baltimore on a Friday night?" Charlie asked, confused.

"It's how it had to be," Josh stressed. "We couldn't be together like that and be photographed," Josh sighed, rubbing his face. "She knew that. We discussed that. And it was Danny," Josh insisted, "at least, I'm almost sure it was Danny."

"Okay," Charlie sighed, nodding. "So you walked away from her for a bit. How long did you leave her there?"

"I guess I met her back at the room in about an hour or so?" Josh guessed.

"Dude," Charlie shook his head in disgust. "No wonder she's pissed. Donna's a good woman Josh. You don't leave a good woman by herself in the middle of Baltimore."

Josh shook his head, "I know that, Charlie. Don't you think I know that?"

"Obviously not," Charlie muttered. "Okay…then what happened."

"We talked…argued I guess," Josh shrugged. "She said she couldn't be last all the time anymore and blah, blah, blah. But what kills me is she knew this. She knows me. She knows how important this is…this thing we're doing is. She knows that. Why does she get to change the rules of the game?"

"Maybe she doesn't want to change the rules," Charlie shrugged, "maybe she just wants to feel important sometimes."

"Yeah," Josh sighed. "I don't know what happened next. All of a sudden she said she was done. Just like that. Done."

"And you said what?" Charlie asked.

"I….I told her that I couldn't do it with out her," Josh told him.

"Couldn't do what?" Charlie asked.

Josh sighed and his eyes sort of closed and then he opened them and focused on Charlie for a moment before he said anything. "I….I don't know, Charlie."

"You didn't tell that woman that you love her and that you can't function at all without her…in any capacity?" Charlie asked. "Because, honestly, Josh, that's how it is."

"I panicked – I didn't say anything. She left. Her desk is clear and I have a new assistant and she won't answer the phone when I call," Josh told him. "I don't know what I'm going to do."

Charlie looked at Josh carefully. The man looked small to him for the first time ever since he met him. Josh looked small and scared. Even when he was recovering from his gunshot wounds or when he had the meltdown, he never looked this petrified. "You know what?" Charlie said, trying to sound upbeat. "You need to get your shit together, Josh. You need to man up and pull yourself together. You're an important guy. You need to get your priorities in order and get your act together. Once you figure out everything, then you can convince Donna that you're an idiot who loves her. Right now? You're too all over the place to do that properly. My advice? Get your shit together."

Josh smiled a little at the younger man's candor, "You know I'm like a million rungs higher than you on the importance ladder around here, right? Cause…wow, you just said a whole lot."

"Josh," Charlie said, standing up and moving toward the door, "I said it and I stand by it. You need to pull yourself together and then figure out what you want and take care of business. You can do it. I promise. And when you need help? Come find me. Team Josh," Charlie smiled. "I'm here for you, man."

Josh nodded his head in appreciation, "Thank you." Right before Charlie walked out; Josh stopped him, "Hey…can you…ah…keep this thing, between us?"

"Your secret is safe with me," Charlie said smiling at him. "Now, get yourself together so people aren't asking questions all damn day."

"Right," Josh said as Charlie left. He took a minute and scrubbed his hands furiously over his face. Then he yelled, "Carly? What meetings do I have today?"


	3. Talking Can Help

Donna stared at the answering machine and pressed play for what seemed like the hundredth time that afternoon. He sounded sad, she decided after a long deliberation. She closed her eyes and hit delete. She couldn't spend her day listening to him on her voicemail – it was impractical. She had a plan. It wasn't a great plan, because it lacked the planning that a great plan typically has; but she didn't have time for all that. On Friday night, she was in love with the man of her dreams and now, on Monday, she was running away from the very same guy.

She closed her eyes remembering how devastated she felt sitting on that bench by the water when he ran away from her. She _had_ looked around – she didn't see a reporter. She prided herself on being able to spot a guy with a camera a mile away. He freaked out. He tended to do that on occasion – it's not like it was the first time in the six-months of their now ill-fated relationship that he had panicked. He was, by nature, nervous. He was always looking over his shoulder. And mostly, she didn't mind it – but somewhere it started to feel like he was panicked all the time about her. Maybe it wasn't the case, but she couldn't turn off her feelings. She encouraged him to talk to Stanley, but he insisted he was fine. She didn't want to argue with him, so she'd let it go. Now, she couldn't help but think maybe talking to someone might have changed things for them – or maybe not.

Since coming back to DC Friday night, she had been busy. She cried first and then began packing up all of his stuff from around her apartment. She sighed, looking at the two postal crates that were filled with his stuff. She'd been surprised there had been so much! There was stupid things, like random sweatshirts and a few button down shirts that she'd picked up from the cleaners for him and hadn't quite returned yet, there was his Mets hat and Mets plastic cup that he needed when he watched baseball, and some notebooks and books that he'd carelessly left on the various tables, knowing that he could grab them any time. Then, there was other stuff. Stuff like his toothbrush, the picture of everyone together with him and his mother when he'd first come home from the hospital, the picture of the two of them from California right before they got together – they were at the fundraiser and she was laughing at something and he was staring at her with such intensity that it still made her shiver, and basic personal items like his razor, deodorant, and a bottle of his aftershave – things that let her know they were a couple.

After she assembled his stuff, she made her way through her stuff and packed her essentials into two suitcases and a carry-on bag. Then, she tackled the office and reorganized everything so that Josh's workflow wouldn't be too upset by her leaving. She'd thought long and hard about what she was doing. She had been in love with her boss for years. For the last six months, she was able to enjoy it. Knowing how great it was to kiss Josh made it next to impossible to be near him and think that the kissing wasn't going to happen. It sucked. It sucked a lot.

Working in politics pretty much kills your social life. All of the friends she had before the first campaign probably wouldn't remember her at all. Her friends were Josh's friends. They worked for the President. They were people that both she and Josh agreed should not, under any circumstances, know about their relationship. She really had very few options. She needed a shoulder to cry on. She needed a friend who wasn't going to lecture her. She needed a job where Josh wouldn't be able to swoop in and find her. She needed Sam. She sighed as she picked up her phone and dialed his number in California. She knew he was there this week and not in DC. "Is the Congressman in?" she asked the girl who answered the phone. "Yes," she smiled, automatically, "please tell him Donna from Josh Lyman's office," easily falling into her old habit.

"Donna?" Sam asked, answering the phone. "How are you?"

"Sam," she smiled just hearing his voice. "I'm…I'm really not that great," she said, tearing up a little bit. "And you?" she asked.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned. "Is your family okay? Josh?"

"Everyone's fine," she sighed, thankful for his concern. "I…I need a job. A job that is…well, not here."

"You need a what? You're….what did you tell us all the time? Impervious!" he exclaimed, remembering. "Did Josh get fired or something? I know I haven't really talked to him in a few months, but things were fine at the fundraiser thing a few months back."

"No…I can't work for him right now, Sam," she tried to explain. "I just…I can't. And, being here? Being here would make it so much worse. Being somewhere, like all the way across the country, would be better."

"What happened, Donna?" he asked.

"I…I shouldn't say anything. It's not something we said we'd discuss," she said, slowly. "He'd be upset if I told you."

"I won't say anything to him," Sam promised her. "I thought we were friends, too."

"We are," Donna sighed. "I…I just haven't really talked it about it out loud to anyone else besides Josh – it just seems weird," she hedged a little.

"Donna," he said, sitting down and pinching the bridge of his nose, "if you just tell me what is going on, maybe we can fix it."

"We can't," she sighed, crying a little. "Sam, Josh and I? We were…together," she sighed. "Like together, together."

Sam found himself smiling at her admission a little, "Yeah?" he asked. "He finally had the balls to ask you out? I'm impressed. What'd Toby say?"

"He didn't so much ask me out as we just kissed and then that was that. It was after your fundraiser in California," she told him. "And Toby didn't say anything because we haven't told anyone. It would be too damaging for everyone involved and for lots of people not involved," she sighed. "It was for the best."

"You said you guys _were_ together," Sam said, quietly.

"Can't get anything past you, huh?" she laughed, sadly and went onto explain the events of Friday evening.

"Well…" Sam sighed, "I mean, it's Josh," he shrugged. "Shouldn't he get slack? He's paranoid by nature."

"I know," she said, wiping her eyes again. "But, Sam, I've tried for months. I've done everything he's asked. I've gone above and beyond. I knew keeping us a secret would come at a price, but I never thought he'd be able to make me feel cheap or embarrassed. He did that."

"You have to know he loves you," Sam said quietly. "He's loved you for years."

"I know," she cried, "that's what makes things worse. I love him, too. I barely slept all weekend because I'm actually used to sleeping with him. The bed was too big without him. Sam, I love him so much. But, I can't let myself be dragged down. He needs to figure things out for himself before we can even entertain discussing us again."

Sam was quiet for a moment and then smiled, "So, my State Director is pregnant and goes on leave in the next week or two. How soon can you come out?"

"Tonight," she smiled at his generosity.

"You'll stay with me and take over the office while she's out. If you need to leave, you need to leave. If you need to stay longer, we'll figure it out," he told her.

"You won't…I mean…" she hesitated asking him to lie for her.

"I won't tell anyone from The White House you're here," he assured her. "Now, what's your flight number, because I know you are all ready to go."

She smiled and filled him in on her arrangements and told him she'd see him later that night. Her flight left in a couple of hours. She arranged for a cab and then she called Carly. "Office of the Deputy Chief of Staff," she heard the girl say.

"Carly?" Donna asked. "This is Donna Moss," she told her. "I used to have your job."

"Yes," Carly smiled. "Are you coming back soon? This Josh guy? He misses you I think. He looks like hell, but I think it's because he misses you. I'm not really sure what to do with him."

"Bring him coffee once a day – whether he drinks it or not. He likes coffee. Make sure he eats a salad every once in a while. Oh…he likes his hamburgers burnt beyond recognition. He likes note cards and he doesn't like the intercom. The yelling is tough to get used to, but it's his form of communication. He pisses people off a lot; the number to the flower place is in the top left-hand drawer on your desk. Most of the men like fruit baskets – the woman tend to prefer the flowers," she shared her years of experience with her replacement. "Oh, remind him to call his mother every Thursday, she likes to know he's doing okay. Don't let him drink too much; he tends to go overboard with alcohol. If he's mean to you, tell him; sometimes he says things without realizing the consequences," she said, pursing her lips a little on that last one.

Carly wrote everything down that Donna shared with her. "He seemed really sad," Carly whispered into the phone.

"Yeah," Donna sighed. "If he doesn't get better in a few days, tell Leo that he needs to get Josh in to see Dr. Keyworth – Leo has all the information and he'll take care of it, okay?"

"Okay," Carly nodded. "Anything else?"

Donna took a deep breath, "I need you to call him tonight around 10 PM on his home phone. I need you to keep calling until he picks up. When he does, you need to tell him that I will be calling the office tomorrow morning at 7:15 AM. Okay? He has staff at 8 AM, so he'll need to be there early."

"Okay," Carly said, cautiously. "Is everything okay?"

"No," Donna said honestly, "but I hope it will get better." She cleared her throat, "So what time are you calling him tonight?"

"Ten o'clock," Carly answered. "And I'm telling him you're calling the office at 7:15 tomorrow morning."

"Thank you," Donna smiled. "I appreciate it. Do me a favor and call me tonight and let me know you got a hold of him. I left my cell in the desk for you."

"No problem. Take care," Carly said, hanging up the phone.

"No problem," Donna muttered to herself as she let herself into Josh's condo and kicked the boxes into the door. She arranged them by the counter near the kitchen – right where he always dropped his keys. She knew he would be sure to see them. She smiled sadly as the piece of paper she laid on top of the boxes. It was a simple note that said, "I found this stuff at my place and thought you'd need it. Please take care of yourself – you know I worry. I love you…please tell me know you that. Always, D."

It was to the point, she thought, and got back into her cab and headed to the airport.

By the time she reached California she was a mess. Sam met her at her gate and she was never more happy to see anyone in her entire life. She melted into his open arms and sobbed hysterically. "It's okay," he murmured and stroked her hair. "It's okay – I promise. We'll fix this. You know we will. I'll help," he said, with a small smirk. "It'll be fun."

"You can't fix this," she shrugged out of his embrace. "Josh and I? We just weren't meant to be."

"Impossible," Sam said, walking over to baggage claim to get her luggage. "I refuse to accept that on account that it is stupid."

"Yeah?" she asked, laughing.

"Yes," he nodded, picking up her bags. "C'mon," he sighed, "let's get you home."

She got settled in his place and pulled out her phone to await Carly's call.

Josh had gotten home around 8:30 that night. He was exhausted. It was one of the worst Mondays ever. He found that to be more true when he walked in and found his stuff from Donna's apartment back in his condo. He picked up the note and read it twice before ripping it up into little pieces. He opened his refrigerator and realized that he needed to go shopping – like that was going to happen at the moment. He did have scotch. He liked scotch. He drank lots of scotch. Around 10 that night, his phone started ringing. Message after message, Carly kept saying she'd be calling back if he didn't pick up. Finally, around 11:15 PM her message got his attention. "Josh?" she said into the voicemail. "I know you're there. This is stupid. Pick up the damn phone please – you're starting to worry me. Listen, Donna called today…"

He picked right up. "You didn't tell me she called," he said, sobering up a little – at least enough to be pissed.

"She didn't want to talk to you," she said simply. "She wanted to give me some pointers on you. And she wanted me to call you tonight and make sure you were okay. Are you okay?" she asked.

"Not particularly," he shrugged, "but I've been worse, so I think I'll live."

"Okay," she nodded. "You have to be at work tomorrow before 7:15 AM," she told him. "Donna is going to call the office then. You better be there to pick up. I think she means business."

"Okay," he nodded. "Hey, a…Carly?" he asked. "How did she sound?" he wondered.

"Miserable," she told him.

"Okay," he whispered.

"Josh?" Carly asked. "Are you going to be okay tonight?"

"I'll see you in the morning," he dismissed her. He got up off the floor and went to his bedroom and fell onto the bed. He found one of her stupid teddy bears that she was always buying from everywhere they went on the bed and he fell asleep hugging it – not before he set his alarm. He was not about to miss her call in the morning.

Carly hung up with Josh and called Donna.

"Did he pick up?" Donna asked, clearly worried.

"He did, eventually. He'll be waiting for your call," she told her.

"Okay, thank you," Donna smiled with relief. "How did he sound?"

"Like someone ran over his puppy," Carly said honestly. "Look…is there something going on with you guys that I should know about?"

"Nothing," Donna sighed. "Thanks again, Carly. I appreciate it."

"Yeah," Carly sighed. "Don't mention it. Bye."

"Bye," Donna smiled and hung up the phone.

Donna looked at her clock and sighed. She had to be up really early. She closed her eyes to try to sleep her sadness away. Of course, she was wearing one of his old Harvard t-shirts and hugging the Mets bear he bought her the first time he took her to Shea. It was hard not to have his arms around her, but smelling his aftershave on the bear helped.

At 7:00 AM Josh was stationed at his desk staring at the phone. Carly brought him in coffee and he ignored her completely.

By 7:04 he was pacing. By 7:12 his hand was on the receiver in anticipation. She was, of course punctual and called him at 7:15 on the dot.

"Josh Lyman," he said as he grabbed the phone on the first ring.

"Hi," she whispered.

"Hi," he said back, just as soft. "I miss you and I'm sorry and I can't sleep without you," he said, not giving her a chance to say anything.

"I'm sorry too. I love you and miss you, too, Josh," she told him quietly. "You know I do."

"Then why is my stuff in boxes on my floor? Why was there a note? Why do I feel like you've already left and I have no chance in fixing this?" he asked.

She cried softly and heard him sigh loudly into the receiver. "I'm…Josh...I'm not exactly in town right now," she said quietly.

"What does that mean?" he asked.

"I left Washington," she told him.

"For how long?" he asked. "Did you go home? I will come to you. Where are you? I can make this better – you have to give me a chance to make it better," he begged.

"I just want some time, Josh," she sighed. "I want you to figure out what you want, what you need and what you can handle. I want you to be okay and not constantly looking over your shoulder. I want you to be content. I want you to be happy," she sighed. "Us together? It was stressing you out. Your heart doesn't need that kind of pressure."

"My heart needs you," he whispered.

"Please Josh," she begged him. "Please understand how hard this is for me. I want to be the one to fix everything. I like being that person for you. But…you're so broken right now and this thing between us? It was not helping matters," she said rationally. "You were constantly on edge and you can't have that kind of stress. Not if it can be helped, which it can be."

"I miss your shampoo smell," he told her.

She smiled, remembering him rolling over in the mornings and breathing her in before kissing her neck. "I miss you so much," she said, as tears flowed down her cheeks.

"Tell me we can make this better," he insisted. "Tell me it can be better."

"I don't know," she shrugged. "I want to hope it can be better," she said hesitantly. "Just right now? Right now, we can't be fixed until you are okay with everything. Josh – do you know why I had Carly call you so many times last night? And why I'm calling you this morning?" she asked.

"That Christmas after Rosslyn," he murmured quietly, "with the window."

"Yeah," she sighed. "You scare me sometimes, Josh," she told him honestly. "You get so far into yourself…I worry that one day you might not want to come out."

"You make me want to be better," he told her, honestly.

"I have to go," she told him. "Promise me you will take care of yourself."

"I don't know how to do this without you, Donna," he repeated his statement from the week before.

"What, Josh?" she asked.

"Anything," he sighed. "Work, life," he shrugged, "take your pick."

"Well, it's an answer this time," she sighed. "Carly'll be good for you. She can do a good job with your work stuff and she's gonna make sure you eat vegetables every once in a while."

"I want to see you," he told her.

"I'm not anywhere close to you," she told him. "I…I don't know when I'm coming back."

"What are you doing for money? Can I help?" he offered.

"No," she smiled. "I found a job, actually."

"In a day?" he asked.

"I'm resourceful," she reminded him.

"That you are," he agreed with a smirk.

"I love you," she told him.

"You'll be in touch?" he asked, scared for a moment of losing her forever.

"I promise," she told him.

"Donna," he sighed. "I…," he started to say. She held her breath thinking he was finally going to say it. She knew Josh loved her; he just couldn't verbalize it. "Take care of yourself," he amended, clearing his throat a little, his voice coming out a little husky. "Promise me you're not gone forever. Promise me that, Donna," he begged.

"I promise," she breathed into the phone. "Have a good day, Josh." She smiled and listened to him exhale, while she waited for him to disconnect the phone.

"If he asks me if you're here, I'm not lying," Sam said, from her doorway.

She jumped a little, startled by his presence. "Did I wake you?" she asked.

"Donna, it's like 4 something in the morning," he reasoned with her. "Of course you woke me. Is he okay?"

"I think he will be. In time, he'll see that I was right and that this was too much for him," she tried to sound positive.

"I think you two crazy kids are in love and if he asks me if you are here, I am not denying it."

"Brutus," she said, glaring at him as she laid herself back down. "Can I sleep today and start work tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yeah," he smirked. "I'll check on you later," he smiled and left her alone with her Mets bear.


	4. We have a situation!

Four weeks later….

Donna had been a perfect fit for Sam's office. She was efficient and friendly and everyone loved her. Sam was wondering how he had lived without her for so many years. She was the picture of perfection at work; it was everything else that concerned him.

When he was in DC, Maggie from his office in California called him with his daily Donna update. He'd been worried about leaving Donna there and Maggie volunteered to keep him up-to-date with. "Yeah?" he said into the phone.

"She dyed her hair," Maggie told him. "She chopped it off and dyed it brown."

"Who?" Sam asked, confused. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Donna," Maggie sighed. "She left Friday afternoon with her long blond hair. Now, she has brown hair that just touches her shoulders. She said she needed a change. If you put that with the marathon baking sessions last week…"

"The what?" Sam asked.

Maggie sighed, "Do you listen when I talk? Donna baked like 200 cupcakes last week. It was….at best, odd. She's not sleeping. And now she's hacking off her hair. What the hell is her deal, Congressman?"

"She's going through a hard time right now," Sam sighed. "Is she…I mean, I don't know what I mean…"

"She's always on time and polite and efficient. She's just…strange," she explained.

"I am going to call her," he told Maggie. "Thanks for the head's up."

"Sure thing," Maggie smiled and hung up.

Sam rubbed his face as he stepped out of his office and roamed the halls of the Capitol. He had been in DC now for about two and half weeks and he hadn't run into Josh, which was of course by design. He had been avoiding his best friend because he was afraid of telling him that he was hiding Donna in California. He wasn't lying to Donna when he told her he would tell Josh if asked. He just hoped he wasn't asked. He sighed and parked himself down on a bench out front. He picked up his phone and called Donna's new cell phone.

"Hi," she said, smiling. "How's DC?"

"I haven't seen him," Sam told her.

"But…you have to see him. You have to make sure he's okay, Sam. I need to know that," she sighed. "I've seen him on TV – he looks sort of pasty. He needs to eat more salad," she decrees.

Sam laughs at her insistence. "I will let him know if I run into him," Sam sighs. "How are you doing?"

"Fine," she sighs. "Why?"

"I heard…I mean…you're a brunette?" he asks.

"I was so sick of being the blond girl. I mean – I needed a change. And besides…doesn't Josh usually go for brunettes anyway? Mandy and Amy….perfect examples," she sighs.

"Donna," he sighs. She always tries to put the blame for Josh's issues solely on her inadequacies. "You're a beautiful woman…inside and out," he insists. "Josh really didn't care about the color of your hair. I promise."

"You don't know that. He's a complicated man," she sighs. "Oh…can you check in with Leo, too? Make sure he's seeing Stanley? I told Carly to talk to Leo, but I don't know how well she's handling Josh and all."

"I will go over to the White House today," he promised. "Take care and I'll call you later, okay?"

"Bye, Congressman," she smiled as she hung up.

Sam sighed and pulled himself up and hailed a cab to the White House. Before going in, he called Charlie to arrange for a pass. "Hey, Charlie, it's Sam," Sam said into the phone.

"The good Congressman," Charlie laughed. "Have you decided to come visit all of us little people?" he asked.

"Yeah," Sam sighed.

"Don't sound so thrilled," Charlie said, sensing his hesitance.

"Is Josh around?" Sam asked.

"He will be," Charlie said.

"What's that mean?" Sam asked.

"He's at….he's at one of his appointments," Charlie explained. "He goes two or three times a week. He's due back shortly though. He's been seeing this guy since…I don't know…a month ago?"

"Since she left," Sam said quietly.

"You know Donna's gone?" Charlie asked. "Did he confide in you, too?"

"No," Sam sighed.

"You know where she is!" Charlie exclaimed.

"I don't know anything," Sam insisted.

"I'll meet you at the gate," Charlie said, hanging up. Immediately, Charlie jogged down to the front of the building.

Sam took a moment to compose himself. He couldn't believe how quickly he allowed Charlie to find out about his information. He was a politician – he should be better at deception! "Hi Charlie," he says, smiling as Charlie signs him in the building.

"Talk to me, Sam," Charlie says, steering him to a somewhat quiet corridor.

"Uh….," Sam sighs. "What can I do for you?"

"You moved to California," Charlie hisses at him. "You not being here is the reason that I have to deal with the Josh situation here. If you were here, he would have told you everything and I would be blissfully unaware of anything and everything."

"There's a situation?" Sam squeaks.

"He was apparently having a relationship with Donna and then they had a fight or whatever and now she's gone and he's seeing a therapist a few times a week," Charlie sighed. "I'd say we have a situation!"

"Is he eating vegetables?" Sam asks.

"You know where she is," Charlie accused.

"I'm simply inquiring about his well-being," Sam insisted.

"For a politician, you are a horrible liar," Charlie laughed at him.

"Funny," Sam smirked, "I was just thinking that."

"Spill," Charlie urged.

"She'll kill me if you tell Josh," Sam said quietly.

"Is she okay?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah," Sam sighed. "She's in California with me…I gave her a job at my office out there and she's staying with me."

"Well, you spill sort of easily," Charlie smirked.

"Yeah," Sam shrugged. "I'm glad I got to tell someone. She's really worried about him. She TIVOs anything he's on and analyzes every picture she sees of him – wondering if he's sleeping or getting enough vitamins or whatever women obsess about. Oh…and she's a little nutty too. She cut her hair and dyed it brown apparently. Maggie from my office told me that little gem this morning. It feels good to talk about these things."

Charlie laughed at him and nodded his head, "I understand why Toby used to have the urge to gag you."

"Shut up," Sam quipped.

"And you're a Congressman," Charlie nodded. "If the people only knew…"

Just then Sam's phone rang. "Excuse me Charlie," he said and picked up his phone. "Hello?"

"Hi," she said. "Can I ask you one more favor?"

"Sure," he smiled, hearing the worry in her voice. "What's up?"

"Can you…I mean…in addition to the salad, can you get him to eat some salmon? Take him to dinner or something and get him to eat that. He'll want meat, but he needs to eat the salmon. I had him taking vitamins and stuff when I was there…I'm sure he's stopped by now. I just…the salmon…it's good for him. I worry and…if you could maybe get him to have some…maybe I'd be able to relax a little," she begged.

Sam took a deep breath and wondered when things got so bad. She was actually panicking about Josh's fish oil consumption. "Yeah," he smiled, trying to relax her. "I'm going to invite him out later tonight. I will update you later, okay?"

"Thank you so much," she smiled.

"Have a good rest of your day, Donna," Sam sighed. "I will call you tonight."

"Okay," she whispered. She hung up the phone and beamed.

"That was her?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah," Sam shrugged. "She wants Josh to eat salmon and salad for dinner."

Charlie laughed a little and then cleared his throat, "You're serious?"

"I wish I could say otherwise," Sam sighed, defeated.

"C'mon," Charlie sighed, "I'll take you to meet Carly. You can wait for Josh there."

"Carly's his new assistant, right?" Sam asked. "I heard Donna talking to her before."

"Yeah," Charlie nodded as they approached her desk. "Hey, Carly," Charlie smiled at her. "This is Congressman Seaborn. He used to work here and he's friends with Josh."

"Josh isn't back yet," Carly smiled, shaking his hand. "You're welcome to wait though," she said, "he should be here soon. I brought lunch for him."

"Yeah?" Sam smiled. "What's he eating today?"

"A burnt hamburger and a side salad. I try to substitute the fries with the salads. That usually makes Donna sound happier on the phone," she explained.

"Yeah," Sam nodded. "Does she call often?"

"Eh – every couple of days. She usually just wants to check in to make sure he's doing okay," she shrugs.

"And is he? Doing okay, I mean," Sam said.

Charlie joined Sam in looking at Carly expectantly. "He's…I don't know," she said finally. "I didn't' know him before," she explained. "The Josh I know is unorganized and loud."

"That's Josh," Sam smiled.

"But he's withdrawn a lot too," she continued. "And sad. Whatever happened with him and this Donna person – it killed him. It's like he can't find his way out of a hole or something. He's clearly got some issues. I guess that's why he….you know…has his appointments," she said looking at both men.

"Yeah," Sam shook his head.

"I gotta get back," Charlie said, looking over his shoulder for a second. "We'll talk before you take off, okay?" he asked Sam.

"Yeah," he said nodding. "When Josh gets back I'm going to take him to eat I guess. And then I'll be back. I have nothing else today."

"Josh's schedule is light," Carly smiled at Sam. "He'll be able to do dinner," she told him. "Let me know if pretends he's busy."

"Will do," Sam smiled. "Do you mind if I wait in his office?" he asked.

"Go right ahead," she smiled at him.

"Thanks," Sam smiled at her. He walked into Josh's familiar office and fell into his couch.

Sam rested his eyes while he waited for Josh. It was around 5 PM and his day started way too early for his liking. He heard the office door slam and opened his eyes to focus on Josh tossing his backpack across the room and slamming his hand on his desk. Then, Josh seemed to crumple in his chair and his head found its way to his arms which were folded on the desk in front of him. He looked broken. "Josh?" Sam asked quietly, not wanting to startle him. "You okay?"

"Sam?" he said, still not lifting his head. "What the hell are you doing in my office?"

"I missed the clutter," Sam responded with a grin as Josh's eye rose up to meet his. "How ya doing over there?"

"I've had a bit of a day," he smiled, "and you?"

"Wanna grab some dinner?" Sam asked.

"I'll have to check with Carly," Josh said, looking nervous. "I don't think I have time tonight…"

"I talked to Carly and she said you could get out of here for a few hours," Sam informed him. "C'mon," Sam smiled, "let's catch up."

Josh nodded and followed Sam out of his office. "I'll be back later," he said to Carly as they walked past her desk.

"Okay," she smiled. "Nice to meet you, Congressman," she smiled at Sam.

"Thanks, Carly," Sam said, "You, too." As they walked out front, Sam turned to Josh and smiled, "She seems nice."

"She's fine," Josh shrugged. "She's not…you know…she's no Donna," Josh said.

"Yeah," Sam nodded. "So…what happened there?" he asked.

"You sure don't waste time," Josh laughed. "Where should we eat?" he asked. "Capital Grille?" he asked.

"Nah….how about Vincent's down the street?" Sam asked. "I like their fish."

"Whatever," Josh shrugged. They walked in silence and fell into a booth toward the back of the restaurant.

When the waiter came over, Josh ordered them beer and Sam chimed in with two orders of salad and salmon and vegetables a plenty.

"What are doing?" Josh asked. "Are we dating now?" he laughed. "Do people usually just order for other people in California? Cause in DC, we typically do it ourselves."

"I just thought you should try the salmon," Sam shrugged. "I knew you wouldn't pick it yourself."

"Right," Josh nodded and took a long sip of his beer.

"You don't look good," Sam told him.

"Sorry I didn't get pretty for you," Josh smirked, "I didn't know you were coming to take me out."

"Cut the crap," Sam sighed, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Josh lied.

"You're seeing Stanley again?" Sam asked.

"Carly has a big mouth," Josh seethed.

"Charlie, actually," Sam shrugged. "What's up?"

"I've just been a little off lately," Josh brushed his concern off. "I'm fine.

"What happened with Donna?" Sam asked.

"How much did you and Charlie talk about?" Josh asked, looking up at his friend.

"Not much," Sam said carefully.

"Donna and I…well…it's complicated," Josh sighed. "And, right now? It's nothing at all, so I guess it doesn't matter all that much," he said, forcing a smile. "I just…I don't know," he sighed.

Their food came and Josh snorted at the healthiness of the dinner Sam had ordered for them. They ate in silence for a while. Somewhere around Josh's third beer, he looked at Sam seriously and sighed, "I just wish I knew she was okay. I…you know I lay up at night worried. Stanley, he tells me that it's a combination of my fear of being left alone and a complication from the PTSD," he shrugged. "I just…I don't know, I got used to seeing her. And now she's vanished. With my sister and dad, I know they're dead. With Donna? I don't know…I mean, I know she's not dead – she calls Carly and Carly usually tells me. So I know she's not dead – I just…I don't know. I miss her more than I ever thought I could possibly miss a person," he said, honestly. His eyes were threatening to spill over with tears and his breathing quickened. He put down his fork and took a deep breath and then knocked back the rest of his beer and then tried to slow his breathing and elevated heart rate down.

Sam stared at his, obviously, sick friend. Josh was a mess. They both sat in silence for a moment and then Sam cleared his throat, "She's okay."

"What?" Josh said, looking up at him.

"I said, she's okay," Sam repeated himself. "You said you just needed to know that."

"Wait…how do you know she's okay?" Josh asked. "Where is she? Sam…what the hell?"

"Josh," he sighed, "I…listen, I just wanted you to relax. I wanted to make you feel better, that's all."

"You've seen her?" Josh asked.

"She's a brunette now," he smiled, nodding. "I actually didn't see the brunette part yet, only heard about it."

"Really?" Josh asked. "Where is she?" Josh asked.

"She's….Josh, she doesn't want to see you right now," he told him.

"So what?" Josh answered. "I want to see her. I need to see her."

Just then, Sam's phone rang. He answered it, while not breaking eye contact with Josh. "Yeah," he said into the phone. "I'm with him right now," he told her.

"How does he look?" she asked.

"Like shit," he answered her, honestly.

"How was dinner?" she asked.

"Just as you suggested," he told her with a smile. "I had it too; it was good."

"Is that Donna?" Josh asked with a pleading look in his eyes. Sam's heart broke a little for him right then and there.

"He's asking for you," he told her.

Donna took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Sam…" she sighed. "I don't know if that would be good for either of us."

"I understand," Sam said, even though he didn't. "You know, this might be easier if you two crazy kids talked."

"No," Donna said emphatically.

"Yes," Josh said, just as emphatically.

Sam smiled at their insistence. "Did he ask where I was?" Donna asked quietly.

"He did," he nodded, even though she couldn't see him.

"Did you tell him?" she asked again.

"Not yet," he said simply.

"Are you going to?" she asked, knowing the answer already.

"Probably," he shrugged. "I told you I wouldn't lie to him."

"He's seeing Stanley, right?" she asked. "Will you ask him that for me? I want to know he's not going to do anything crazy…like with the window that time."

Sam closed his eyes and then focused on Josh, "She wants to know if you're seeing Stanley. She's scared you'll hurt yourself."

"I see him three times per week – Leo's orders," he admitted. "I….I really don't know if it's helping," he shrugged helplessly. "I still can't seem to sleep."

"He's going to the doctor," he told Donna. "Three times a week. He's having trouble sleeping, though."

"Tell him to take two Tylenol PMs with some warm milk with cinnamon and sugar in it," she whispered, with tears in her eyes. "I used to…he used to drink it sometimes when he had nightmares," she said with a small, scared voice.

"Okay," Sam told her.

"Tell him now," she insisted. "I want to make sure you get it right."

"She said to take two Tylenol PMs with some warm milk with cinnamon and sugar in it," Sam said, gauging Josh's reaction.

"She used to give that to me when I was…when I had the nightmares," he said, almost to himself.

"This is ridiculous, Donna," Sam said, frustrated. "Will you just talk to him?" he begged. "This is killing the both of you."

"I have to go, Sam," she whispered. "Please tell Josh there isn't a moment in the day that I don't think about him and worry that he is okay."

"Okay," Sam smiled at her honesty. "Try to get some sleep tonight okay? Maybe you should try the Tylenol PM and milk thing."

"Bye, Sam," she said and hung up.

Sam looked at Josh and smiled a little. "She said she misses you like crazy and worries about you and thinks about you all the time."

"The next time you talk to her," Josh sighed, "tell her I miss her, too." Josh barely whispered out the last part. His voice was gravely with emotion. "Where is she?" he asked again. He sounded small and defeated.

"California," Sam told him. "She's working in my district office…just until my office manager gets back. She's on maternity leave," Sam over explained.

Josh scrubbed his hands over his face and into his hair and sighed, clearly frustrated. "I am going to California," he said simply.

"Josh," Sam sighed. "She doesn't want to see you. She's hurt. She's upset and you being there is only going to make matters worse."

"I'm hurt and upset and for me? Seeing her will make me feel better," he insisted.

"Why can't you be what she needs you to be?" Sam asked Josh seriously. "She loves you. She would do anything for you. She is beautiful and kind. She is everything that you're not and she still loves you…in spite of everything. What is it that makes you just unable to be happy with her?" Sam sounded mean and he knew it. He couldn't help it.

Josh looked at Sam as long as he could before looking down to wipe his eyes. "I don't know," Josh shrugged. "She's too good for me, anyway," he tried to joke. "It wouldn't have worked out. I'm glad in a way that it ended quickly. Eventually I will get my shit together and move on, right?"

"Do you love her?" Sam asked.

"Sam," Josh sighed, "can you stop with this?"

"You do, don't you?" Sam asked, searching for something to confirm what he was thinking.

"Sam…I, listen," Josh sighed, "I can't do this, okay?" He got up and stalked out of the restaurant.

Sam through money on the table and ran out after him. "Josh," he said, as he came out front and saw Josh, bending over with his hand on his knees and his head facing the ground struggling for air. "Are you…do you need to go to the hospital?"

Josh shook his head and used a hand to wave him off. "Just…," Josh sighed. "Just…give me a minute." Josh took about ten deep breaths with his eyes closed and eventually his breathing slowed down and was under control. "I'm fine," he said as he stood up slowly. "Sam," he sighed, looking at his worried friend, "I'm fine."

"Does this happen a lot?" Sam asked, walking over to his friend.

Josh shrugged, "It happens." Josh walked over to a bench by the trees and sat down. "I don't know…but, look at me; I'm fine now, okay?"

"I don't think it's supposed to work that way," Sam said, sitting down next to him. "Have you been to a doctor?"

"I see Stanley three times a week!" he yelled, clearly annoyed.

"I meant like a cardiologist or something," Sam said, shaking his head. "You…you know you have to be more careful then a lot of us."

"I haven't gone," Josh said, shaking his head. "I….I really don't want to know if there's anything wrong," he said, smirking sadly. "I honestly don't think I could handle it. Look at me, I can't handle talking about my relationship, or lack there of, with my ex-assistant. You think I could handle a major coronary episode?"

"Did you tell anyone you guys were together?" Sam asked.

"Nah," Josh shrugged. "Just you and Charlie know now. And that was after she left. Leo would've freaked. The Administration couldn't handle another scandal right now. Not with everything else going on. It was just too hard. She knew that," Josh said, sighing. "I know she knew that, which is why I don't get why she freaked out."

"You left her alone because you thought you might have seen something and you left her there for an unreasonably long time," Sam said, shrugging.

"But, it wasn't a big deal," Josh shrugged. "I met her back at the room."

"How often did you do stupid things like that?" Sam asked.

Josh looked deep in thought for a moment and exhaled loudly, "I don't know."

"Maybe Baltimore was simply the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak," Sam stated. "Maybe she just couldn't take you shutting her out and putting her last all the time."

"The Administration has to come first; she knew that going in," Josh said, firmly.

"Josh," Sam sighed, looking at his friend and shaking his head. "She loves you, Josh."

"I know," Josh whispered, not trusting his voice.

"Have you told her you love her back?" he asked.

Josh looked up at Sam and he looked scared to death. "Sam," he sighed. "I can't do this, okay? Please just make sure Donna is okay for me. Tell her I'm fine. I don't want to worry about her worrying, okay?"

"Take care of yourself," Sam smiled at Josh as they both stood up. He watched Josh slowly walk down the street. Sam picked up his phone and called Charlie. "Josh is on his way back," he told the younger man.

"Yeah?" Charlie asked, "How as dinner?"

"Fine," Sam said quietly. "I'm worried about him."

"Me, too," Charlie sighed.

"He's having panic attacks or something," Sam told him.

"He's hiding them pretty well," Charlie said. "He's been keeping it together at the office, more or less. He's not eating well or anything and he looks like he hasn't slept in a month…but he's functioning."

"Keep an eye on him," Sam said, sighing. "I have to call Donna and tell him he's fine."

"What?" Charlie asked. "Didn't we just establish that he is not fine?"

"Yeah, but I told him I would tell her he was. He doesn't want to worry about her worrying about him," Sam shrugged. "It sort of makes sense."

"Whatever," Charlie laughed. "If you need anything, let me know."

"You too," Sam sighed, hanging up and immediately calling Donna.

"How is he?" she asked as soon as she picked up.

Sam smiled, "Besides looking like shit, he's fine."

"Really?" she asked.

"Really," he said, trying to sound convincing. "He misses you."

"I miss him too," she said, softly.

"He knows," Sam told her. He listened to her sigh and he smiled, knowing he did the right thing. "I'll call ya tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah, thank you," she said, honestly.

"It's my pleasure," he said, hanging up.


	5. It starts to unravel

And four weeks after that…

Donna had been better since Sam informed her Josh was doing better. And Josh, according to Charlie, was holding himself together as well. Charlie said you could tell he wasn't sleeping as much as he should, but other than that, no real signs of struggle.

Charlie and Josh talked regularly about Charlie's ideas for "Team Josh," but Josh seemed content to know that Donna was okay. Charlie and Carly had lunch once a week to catch up on all things Josh so that Charlie could report into to Sam. Sam's latest report was that Carly was concerned because Josh wasn't eating during the day…at all. She couldn't even entice him with burnt hamburgers anymore. He was loosing a ton of weight and was sort of pale. Charlie told Sam that everyone had noticed it and Josh said he had a bit of the flu.

"Do you believe him?" Sam asked.

"I don't know, man," Charlie said, sounding defeated. "He's really good at keeping things under wraps, ya know? I mean…we didn't know he was dating Donna and that was going on for months!"

"I know," Sam sighed. "The last time I saw him," Sam murmured, "he didn't look well. And I told Donna…I promised her he was okay. And she believed me."

"Well, that made Josh better for a bit, though," Charlie rationalized. "He is happier knowing she's not worrying."

"But I'm not happy because I'm worrying," Sam said, exasperated.

"Yeah," Charlie nodded. "Look, I gotta step into something here, okay?"

"Yeah," Sam shook his head and hung up. He knew how it was.

"Who was that?" CJ asked as Charlie walked into her office followed by Toby.

"Sam," he said, as Josh walked in.

"Sam?" Josh asked, looking at Charlie questionably. "Is…I mean…is everything okay with…everything?"

Charlie smiled at him for a second. "Yeah," he nodded, "Everything is fine."

"Good," Josh smiled and sat down in the corner. His clothes were sort of hanging a bit on him.

"Are you okay, mi amour?" CJ asked her friend.

He nodded, "Why?"

"You look like shit," Toby answered for her.

"Well thank you, Toby," Josh smiled. "I appreciate your candor."

"We're just concerned," CJ said, looking at Josh. "You…you haven't been yourself. And Carly says you're not eating much…"

"Carly should mind her business and pay more attention to my schedule," Josh said, annoyed. "And you guys…we have a freaking country to run. Do you really have time to concern yourselves with my eating habits?"

"Look man," Charlie sighed, "We're just concerned."

"I don't need or want your concern," he told them. "I'm fine. Can you just leave me alone?" He stormed out and slammed the door to his office.

Carly slowly walked down the hall to CJ's office and looked at everyone staring after him in shock. "So that didn't go well, huh?"

"No," Charlie said, with a smile. "Didn't think it really would though, so…"

"Should I maybe call Donna?" Carly asked him. "She might have a suggestion."

"No," Charlie said, quickly. "Not…I mean, no need right now, okay?"

"Do you know where Donna is?" Toby asked.

"I…not really, no," Carly said. "She just calls sometimes. I've been telling her he's fine because that's what Charlie and Congressman Seaborn said to do, but maybe she needs to know things are worse?"

"Wait…you've talked to her? What's her new number? The old one has been disconnected," CJ said. "We can call her and beg her to come back!"

"I'll call her and demand she come back. We'll get her a raise or whatever she needs," Toby promised. "I'll talk to Leo and the President."

Charlie took a deep breath and looked at everyone and shook his head, "Carly, can you go back to your office? Don't call Donna, okay? Just let's keep doing what we talked about."

"Okay," she said, nodding and walking down the hall.

"What the hell, Charlie?" CJ asked.

"She doesn't want to be bothered, okay?" Charlie said. "She needed to get out of here and she did. She needs to be by herself right now and Josh needs to man up and get himself together. He's the Deputy Chief of Staff for the United States; he needs to act like it."

The room was quiet and everyone just kind of looked at the floor. "You're right," Toby said quietly. "You know how much I hate admitting anyone else is ever right, right?"

"Thank you," Charlie nodded.

"Is he talking to you at all, Charlie?" CJ asked.

"A little," Charlie shrugged, "sometimes."

"Good," she smiled. "He needs someone to talk to. Donna was his person."

Toby cleared his throat, "Okay, then."

"Yeah," Charlie nodded. He followed behind Toby and CJ sank into her office chair deep in thought.

Hours later, Josh walked out of his office and said he was going home.

"It's before ten," Carly said as he was leaving.

"Yeah," he nodded, "get out of here, too."

"Kay," she said, gathering her stuff. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," he said as he continued walking down the hall.

Josh made it to his building before doubling over in pain. His doorman called 9-1-1.

Three hours later, CJ was woken up by the White House switchboard operator telling her Josh was at the hospital. She called Leo, Toby and Charlie.

"How long has he been in?" Charlie asked as they all piled through the doors of the hospital.

"Since before ten, I think," CJ said, rubbing her eyes.

"Why the hell are we just finding out about this now?" Leo asked, coming in behind them.

Toby cleared his throat, "Donna was listed as his emergency contact. When she left, she changed her cell phone. They….they didn't know who to reach. When the found his ID they called the White House and then the operator there called CJ and CJ called us."

"Right," CJ nodded.

"We're looking for Josh Lyman," Leo told the woman behind the patient information desk.

"The doctor is waiting for you. They're up on six," she said standing up. "Follow me."

"Hi," the man smiled as the group approached. "I'm Dr. Stevens. I'll be working on Mr. Lyman."

"How is he?" CJ asked. "What the hell happened?"

"Let's sit down," Dr. Stevens said smiling. "Mr. Lyman suffered a massive coronary and a small stroke. He also appears to be sort of under nourished. Has he not been eating?"

"Not lately, no," Charlie said quietly.

"Okay," the doctor sighed, noting the chart. "At any rate, we need to operate on his as soon as possible because he has major blockages and they could be the cause of future problems if we don't take care of them now," he explained.

"Operate now," Leo said firmly.

"We can't really do that…we need proper authorization. Either his next of kin or power of attorney," Dr. Stevens said, looking in Josh's chart. "That would me Sylvia Lyman or Donnatella Moss," he said, "are they here?"

"No," CJ said, shaking her head.

"His mom's out of the country. On a cruise I think he told me," Leo offered.

"Donna's in California," Charlie said quietly, earning looks from his friends.

"She's in California?" Leo asked. "Why didn't Josh go and get her?"

"He knew she was there," Charlie answered. "It's where she wanted to be."

"Whatever," Leo sighed.

"Can you get in touch with her?" Dr. Stevens asked.

"Yeah," Charlie sighed. "I can."

"Okay, good," he smiled. "We can't do anything for a couple of days anyway, so waiting for her shouldn't be a problem. We need to get him pumped full of vitamins and minerals and all to boost his immune system before the surgery. His levels are dangerously low. You guys can see him in an hour or so. We'll keep you updated as things progress. You'll let me know when Miss Moss arrives?" he asked. "There are some documents she needs to sign."

"Of course," Leo said, shaking his hand. "Thank you."

"No problem," he sighed, getting up and leaving.

CJ whacked Charlie's arm, "What the hell is going on?"

"Josh is in need of major heart surgery," Charlie answered. "It's a bad night."

"Someone needs to call her," Toby said.

"I'm calling Sam," Charlie said, walking out front.

Sam answered half asleep, "Hello?"

"Congressman," Charlie said.

"What's wrong?" he asked, sitting up.

"Josh collapsed," he said, letting a long breath out. "He's in the hospital. We need to get Donna out here. His mother's out of the country and Donna's listed as his power of attorney. She needs to approve the procedure."

"I…I will get her. I mean, we'll be there….right away. GW?" he asked.

"Yeah; thanks, Sam," he sighed, hanging up.

He walked back in and smiled at the group. "Donna's on the next flight out," he told them. "She'll be here in a few hours."

"Why the hell did she even leave?" Toby asked. "What did he do that finally pushed her over the edge?"

"I don't know," Charlie shrugged. "Ask Josh."

"You know," CJ glared.

"Maybe," he said simply. "But it's not my story to tell."

Sam went into Donna's room and shook her a little as he sat down on the edge of her bed. "Hey," he whispered.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, immediately worried.

"Nah," he sighed, smiling sadly. "We have to get you to DC right away. Josh needs to have an operation and you're his power of attorney. His mom's out of town or whatever," he explained.

"Sam," she said, sitting up, "I thought you said he was okay?"

"He was…but now, he's not," he shrugged. "Look, I don't know, but I know we have to get out there right away, so, let's just get ready to go, okay? I'll make the arrangements and we'll be there soon."

She nodded faintly and got out of bed and began to throw some things in a bag. She closed her eyes briefly, praying that Josh would be fine and then lugged herself out into Sam's living room to wait for him.

About 7 hours later, she stood in the lobby of the tenth floor at GW nervously waiting for the paperwork she filled out to be approved. Sam had dropped her off and was stopping by his office before coming back later. Charlie saw her first and jogged over to give her a hug. "Hey," she smiled, hugging him back.

"Hey yourself," he smiled at her. "You okay?"

"I'm worried about Josh; that's all," she said. "I thought he was okay."

"He's been a little out of it for a while now – since you left," Charlie admitted. "We just…Josh…he didn't want you to worry about him."

"So you guys lied to me instead," she surmised. "Great."

"Look," Charlie sighed, "we did what we thought was best. End of story."

She rubbed her hand over her face and sighed, "You're right," she said shaking her head. "I'm the one who left."

"He loves you, you know," Charlie whispered to her.

"He's never told me that," she said, smiling sadly.

"He will," Charlie said quietly. "One day, he'll get his shit together and he will."

"You're sweet," she said, smiling. "Hey…a…Charlie? No one knows, right? About Josh and me?"

"Nah," he assured her, "just me and Sam."

"Okay," she sighed, relieved. "The last thing Josh needs now is a scandal I suppose."

Dr. Stevens smiled at her, "Ms. Moss, everything is in order."

She sighed, relieved, "So you can do the surgery?" she asked.

"We still have to wait for his body to accept all the IV fluids we've been feeding it. He was very dehydrated and his immune system was extremely low. It's probably from the lack of eating his friends discussed with me earlier. Once he's stable, we'll go in," he assured her.

She glared at Charlie and then smiled at the doctor, "Can I see him?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "I think there are a couple of people in there right now, but once they're gone, you can go in."

"Thank you," she smiled.

"I'll show you," Charlie said, guiding her to Josh's room. "I think CJ and Toby have been in here a while," he said. "I can tell them you'd like a moment."

"Fine," she said.

He went in and CJ and Toby followed him out and gave Donna a hug a piece.

"He's still unconscious," Toby told her. "But, the doctor said that's normal."

"How did you guys let him get this bad?" she asked, looking in the window to see how small he looked.

"He's good at hiding things," CJ told her. "You know that."

"I never would've let it get this far," she murmured, more to herself than to anyone else.

"Go on in," Charlie urged her.

She looked at the three of them and smiled softly as she pushed through the door. She dropped her bag on the far chair and went over to his sleeping body. "Hey there," she whispered. "Always with the dramatics," she laughed. "You could've just called and told me you loved me and that you knew you were having some problems and that you wanted me to help you fix them. That would've worked, too," she said quietly. "Of course, this whole need an operation thing might have been the quickest way to get me out here." She brushed his hair off his forehead and sighed at how relaxed he looked in his sleep. "You're so thin," she scolded him. "You should've eaten. Josh…you need to eat, you know that. And you need to eat green colored foods. I'm going to give Carly a list," she told him. "I don't want to hear any excuses." She dragged over a chair and collapsed into it. "Now I'm going to sit here and wait for you to wake up. I will ramble on and on about the crazy California people I have met and all the young girls Sam has in his office. Most of these girls surf! Some on their lunch break. And Sam…he let's me leave the office by like six on most nights," she prattled on and on.

CJ smiled as she watched them through the window, "She's just talking away, isn't she?"

"It's what they do," Toby sighed. "I'm going back to the office. She'll call if anything changes?"

"I'll make sure she does," Charlie nodded.

"I'm going with him," CJ said, hugging Charlie goodbye. "We'll let Leo know she's here."

"Will do," Charlie sighed, sitting down outside Josh's room.

A little while later, Sam came up and looked down at Charlie, who was half asleep in his chair. "How's he doing?" he asked.

"The same I think," Charlie shrugged. "Donna hasn't stopped talking though. It's kinda reassuring. I've missed their constant talking."

"Yeah," Sam sighed, "she didn't do that so much out in California." He smiled, watching her go on and on about something, "Josh must make her chatty. So…where is everyone else?"

"Work," Charlie sighed. "I've been asked to keep an eye on things."

"Okay," Sam said. "Mind if I join you?"

"Pull up a chair," Charlie said, with a smile.

Leo walked up to the two men a while later and they were both just leaning against the wall. "Hey," Leo said, clearing his throat a bit.

"Hey," Sam said, getting up and hugging the man. "How ya doing?"

"Fine, son," he smiled. "How's our boy?" he asked.

"The same," Sam shrugged.

"How's Donna?" Leo asked.

"Good," Sam informed him. "She's been out a couple of times to get coffee and walk around, but other than that, she's been parked right in there and chatting away."

"Okay," Leo sighed. "Any idea when he'll get the surgery?" he asked.

"Dr. Stevens hasn't been more specific. But, I'm sure he'll let us know soon," Charlie said, shrugging.

"Yeah," Leo said. "Why'd she leave?" he asked, looking at the two people who probably knew the most about the situation besides the other two in the hospital room.

"Not entirely sure," Charlie answered honestly – because he didn't really ever ask Donna her reasoning.

"You know," Sam shrugged, "I am not 100% clear on it either."

"Am I going to be pissed when I find out what he did?" Leo asked.

"It's Josh," Sam said, laughing a little, "When aren't you pissed at him?"

"You've got a good point," Leo smiled.


End file.
